Tuesday, October 11, 2005

in between phases

nowadays, my dog is my only constant.

i keep waking up mornings thinking one thing and disbelieving them as the day progresses. like i'm in some sort of limbo. or like i'm in a coma, and details whiz by past me while my world remains in stasis. when will i ever wake up?

i guess when you start to look at it that way, it really does seem like i'm emerging from a coma with each day that i wake up. i'm 29. i look at the mirror and the mirror confirms that. where have all the years gone? i can barely remember them, even as i flit through memory. though i see my past, everything seems contrived, like i didn't live the past ten years at all. it's all been so unreal.

and it's not an unreality that ends in a happy ending. i mean, it's not like i wake up one morning and all of a sudden, i'm lying supine on a bedful of money, and my wife's lying beside me, clutching a fistful of money, and my daughter's giggles can be heard from across the hall (and my dog's barking at me to let her out to pee). but here it is- here i am. i'm waking up each day still surprised that i'm here now, in the present. at This present. i don't know what i'm doing here.

how does this bode for the future?

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