Tuesday, October 18, 2005

clarity- through the haze

lot came in at about 0315h. right on time. i figured that we only needed about a half hour to get to shell (bocaue), nlex. of course, that was by my own driving standards. i didn't know how fast or how slow she drove.

shell, nlex, at 0400. the rest of lot's officemates were already there, eating breakfast.

i've always loved travelling at dawn, when the night's all set to go and wane. the streets are devoid of people, leaving only yourself and your demons. sometimes, it just makes it easier to think when you're away from the din of humanity. in the wee hours going to sunrise, the world is your own, if even for a moment.

on the way to manaoag, lot and i got to talking about risk. and fate. somehow the two intertwine, and are related. one moved by the other.

what is life? why do people say when bad things happen to you that, "maybe it just wasn't meant to be"? i can't, for the life of me, understand that line.

what do you mean by things being meant to be? are you saying that there is a Plan hovering over our heads, governing our every thought, our every action?

why is it that when we talk about accidents or unfortunate events, we always have to allude to a plan?

i think it's just one way of comforting ourselves. disaster befell us, but we shouldn't worry. there's a brighter future ahead of us. because this bad thing that happened, it's only meant to be. thus do we comfort ourselves during our times of need. stay put, cry all you want, let it all out- because tomorrow, there'll be sun.

me, i haven't seen the sun in six years. (who was it who wrote that, "there are some wounds that will not heal, even with a thousand tellings."? jane smiley? does it matter?)

our lives are our own. our own futures are ours to carve. if there's going to be a bright future for us, it's because we will it, not because it's all planned out for us. saying that everything's all planned out is the ultimate cop out. most of these bad things that happen to us- we brought these things upon ourselves.

i remember my religion teachers trying to drill into our heads this paradox. we are free; but we are only free to do what is right.

you'd think that it was lawyers talking. hairsplitting.

and yet you realize that we really don't have much of a choice. you live out this life believing you're free so you do anything you're wont to do. then when you die, you realize that you've to account for all your misdeeds. pascal's wager.

somewhere in tarlac, talk shifted to risk and risk-taking, and we came to a conclusion: it's more risky not to take risks. (but it sure needs a helluva lot of courage.)

all a jumble of thoughts. and yet on the expressway, at dawn, with the sun rising, everything was clear.


Blogger LK said...

Bad things happen to people because the world is inherently evil. Death and destruction is everywhere. Don't think for one second that some good is owed to us, that bad things are undeserved. In a way, there's only one fate---death. Death is the plan.

There remains some amount of good in the world because people work hard to keep it. We hold the fragile strands of civilized society in our hands. It's consequence is invoking delusion. People start to believe their own hype. :) They think some good is owed to them, when it's not about me, or anybody! You're right, people are only comforting themselves, feeding their own delusion.

But what you do with your life, what you choose to believe in, in spite of all the evil, is what defines it. The more people cling on to their hopes and dreams, truth and justice, the longer we keep the order and peace.

Meanwhile, I exercise my free will and choose not to occupy my thoughts anymore with darkness and my inevitable fate. The world is half-full to me.
The fact that I believe a sovereign Creator will be the judge of me makes me seem more delusional than most.

11:36 AM  
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