Saturday, October 29, 2005

dawn

At the break of dawn, I’m getting visions of a future that might have been. They sting.


It’s funny how the present is shaped. All of accidents and misfortune. Sometimes causing you pain and at other times, joy.

Nine years ago, I thought I’d already planned out a life. A couple years after that, I took to revising that plan. A few more years after, the plan was revised for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and talk to people and they say that everything will be alright. Maybe things are written differently- that’s why I was thrown to the wolves in darkness.

Then I ask, who writes things differently? I thought we were free. Why must wonderful thought-out plans not come to fruition and cause you despair?

That’s life. You get bombarded with clichés. You rue them. Yet that all the cliché exist- it must be because there’s some truth to them.

Not before long, you realize that you’ve now become jaded. You’re a walking wound, oblivious to the world around you.


Shit happens. If only the pain would go away. Your friends tell you that it will.

Sometimes, I think that pain doesn’t really go away. You only forget them. That’s what time is for, to erode memories. Or to bury them in some deep recess of your brain. (You hope they never get found.)


And yet… who was it who wrote that, “there are some wounds that won’t heal, not even with a thousand tellings.” Jane Smiley? Sitting here, in the dark, while waiting for dawn to break, I’m suddenly faced with the harsh reality of those words.


It’s the semestral break. School starts in two weeks, though I don’t think I’ll be getting much of a vacation. I’d have wanted to go to Pangasinan to recharge, and to breathe cleaner air for a change. But the holiday schedule for next week is all mucked up. There is work only on Wednesday and Thursday. The rest of the week, regular employees get the days off. You work for two day-weeks and you’re on a rollercoaster of emotion. You get the Monday Blues on Wednesday and it’s a TGIF on Thursday. I don’t know how well the body will cope with alternating highs and lows.

A teammate of mine tells me that I’ve an Order from the court informing me that two of my Motions have been rejected. I’ll have to check those out on the 2nd and think up a remedy till the next day.


For the first time in my life, I think I’m facing a November 2nd that’s not a holiday. And only because the 4th is (Ramadan- Eid Al Fitr?). I’m hard pressed to guess when the roads going to the North will be clogged. Will the masses make a run for the province this morning or has everyone already done it last night? If I go to Pangasinan now, will I be stuck in traffic or will I be coasting along? Maybe it’ll be better for me and my ass to just sit the long break out at home. But what to do in the meantime? Ah, there’s a Ginebra game tomorrow at the Araneta. Maybe I should just buy a ticket and watch.
Sigh.

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